Funny Jokes(转载)

　　A guy and a girl are in the backseat of his car having sex. The guy says to the girl, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."
　　
　　The girl replies, "Hell, if I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
　　
　　一个男人和一个女孩在他的汽车后座上做爱。这个家伙对那个女孩说，“如果我早知道你是处女，我会花更多的时间。”
　　
　　这个女孩回答说，“该死的，如果我知道你有更多的时间，我会脱下我的连裤袜。”
　　

　　A man with an incredibly small penis takes his new girlfriend to bed for the first time, and because he's not proud of his incredibly small penis, he insists that they turn off the lights. Once it's dark, he makes his move and puts his erection in her hand, and she says, "No thanks, I don't smoke."
　　
　　一个拥有令人难以置信的小JJ的男人带着他的新女友首次上床，他坚持要关灯。
　　
　　在黑暗中，他在她的手中勃起了，她说：“不，谢谢，我不抽烟。“
　　
　　

　　An old married couple had four boys. The older three had red hair and light skin, the youngest had black hair and dark eyes. On his deathbed, the father turned to his wife and said, "Honey, be honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything holy, he is your son." Then he passed away. The wife then said, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
　　
　　老两口有四个儿子。前三个儿子是红头发，白皮肤，年龄最小的儿子是黑头发，黑眼睛。
　　
　　在他临终前，父亲对他的妻子说：“亲爱的，对我说实话。我们最小的儿子是我的孩子吗？“妻子回答说：“我发誓，他是你的儿子。“然后，他离开了人世。妻子接着说：“感谢上帝，他没问其他三个。”
　　

　　Joe and his buddy Frank visit a brothel. Joe goes into the room with the prostitute first while Frank waits outside. When he's done, Joe closes the door behind him and says, "Don't waste your time, man. My wife's better." But Frank goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says, "Damn, Joe, you were right. Your wife is better."
　　
　　乔和好友弗兰克去了一家妓院。乔第一个与妓女进入室内，而弗兰克在门外等待。
　　
　　当乔完事后，他关上门说：“不要浪费你的时间，伙计。我妻子比她好。”
　　
　　无论如何，弗兰克进去了。15分钟后，他出来了，摇摇头失望地说：“妈的，乔，你是对的。你妻子更好。“

　　One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"
　　
　　一天晚上，一个男人在床上翻滚，使他的妻子笑逐颜开。她说：“今晚不行，亲爱的。明天我与一个妇科医生有预约。我要保持清洁。”
　　
　　几分钟后，他翻过身，再次问他的妻子，“明天你和牙医有预约吗？”

　　Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish. After a long, tension-filled moment, he says, "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
　　
　　两个男人是在救生艇上漂流了几天。其中一个人碰到了一盏旧灯。当他拿起它时，一个精灵出现了。
　　
　　这个精灵声明她可以提供一个愿望。一个人脱口而出：“请把整个海洋变成啤酒！”
　　
　　精灵拍了拍手，整个海洋变成了啤酒。另一个人气愤地看着这个说出愿望的人。
　　
　　过了好一会，他说，“现在我们将不得不在船上撒尿了。”

　　"Two drivers climb out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One pulls a flask from his pocket and says, "Here, have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves."
　　
　　"Thanks," says the other driver, taking a swig. "Here, you have one, too."
　　
　　"Nah, I'd rather not — the police will be here soon."
　　
　　在两辆车在十字路口相撞之后，两个司机爬了出来。一个司机从他的口袋里拿出一个烧瓶，说：“喝一口威士忌，冷静一下吧。“
　　
　　“谢谢你，”另一个司机喝了一大口，说： “你也喝一口巴。”
　　
　　“不，我宁可不要- 警察马上就到了。”

　　After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat. One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant." The other asks, "What's it called?" The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says. "The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!" "Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man. "Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
　　
　　晚饭后，两个老年妇女退到厨房，留下她们的丈夫聊天。其中一个男人说：“昨天晚上，我们去了一家很好的新餐厅。”另一个人问：“叫什么？“第一个男人说：“你送的花的名字是什么？“他的朋友回答说：“康乃馨？”“ 不，不。另外一种，”第一个男人说。 “罂粟？”他的朋友。 “不，”那个人咆哮道： “你知道的，带刺的！” “你说的是玫瑰吗？”另一个人问。 “是的，就是这个！“第一个男人说。然后，他对着厨房大叫，“玫瑰，我们昨晚去的的餐厅的名字是什么？”

　　A blond goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is this TV?" The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds." So she dyes her hair and comes back as a brunette. "How much is this TV?" she asks. Again the salesman says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blonds." A few weeks later she goes in as a redhead, but again he announces, "We don't sell to blonds!" Finally she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blond?" The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blond?" The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave."
　　
　　一个金发女人进入一个电器商店，问道：“这台电视多少钱？“推销员说：“对不起，我们不卖给金发女人。”
　　
　　于是，她把她的头发染成黑色。 “这台电视多少钱？“她问。推销员再次说：“对不起，我们不卖给金发女人。”
　　
　　几个星期后，她变成了一个红发女人，但他又宣布：“我们不卖给金发女人！”
　　
　　最后她说，“我的头发是红色的。你怎么知道我其实是金发的？“那个推销员说：“因为这不是一台电视机。这是一个微波炉。”

　　
　　
　　
　　
　　网站做优化，空间的重要性是不言而语的。经研究发现，用户一般能够忍耐的时间是10秒钟，超过10秒钟，就会使部分用户放弃而走掉；当超过30秒钟之后，基本上就没有什么用户再继续等待下去了，除非是有目的，不访问不行的。
　　
　　 　1、服务器的稳定性和访问速度快慢，是增加外部链接的一个必备条件。
　　
　　
　　　 充分相信用户的智慧和用户的宣传力量，如果你的服务器性能稳定、访问速度快、而且能满足用户的需要，那么网站就会受到用户的青睐，只要用户觉得好，就会充当免费义务宣传员来宣传你的网站，在互联网上不断的增加你的网站链接，是你的网站走得更远
　　
　　　 2、服务器的稳定性和访问速度是用户体验好坏的一个最根本的指标。
　　
　　　 好的服务器因为稳定性高，访问速度快，是用户很容易访问到自己所需要的内容，对于用户来说这是起码的标准。如果你的服务器不稳定或者访问速度很慢的话，即使你的完全为用户考虑并能完全满足用户的需要，用户也不可能去慢慢的等待并不断的重复刷新一定要看到你的网页，要知道在互联网中无一不缺的就是相似的内容来替代
　　
　　 　3、服务器的稳定性和访问速度的快慢，有利于搜索引擎抓取。
　　
　　　 无论是百度还是谷歌都是不断地强调，搜索引擎只是一个普通的用户。作为一个用户，如果出现服务器不稳定，搜索引擎的蜘蛛就不能正常的抓取网站的网页，访问速度比较慢，是搜索引擎的蜘蛛就不能顺畅的到达网站所在的空间。转载请注明 百度优化http://www.marykaydir.cn/ 来源百合优化网，否则追究责任！
　　

　　haha..thanks for sharing..LZ...
　　
　　so admirable for your being so persistent...

　　One night, on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, "Look at the stars. What do you deduce?" Watson thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us, so I deduce that there is life on other planets." And Sherlock says, "No, you idiot, someone's stolen our tent."

　　一个夜晚，福尔摩斯弄醒华生说，“看天上的星星。你能推断出什么？”华生思考了一分钟，说：“嗯，我看见了数百万颗星星，我推断其他行星上有生命。”福尔摩斯说：“不，你这个白痴，别人偷走了我们的帐篷。”

　　A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"

　　"What dear?" she asked gently.
　　
　　"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."
　　
　　一个女人的丈夫滑倒并昏迷了数月。有一天，他示意她走近些。当她坐在他身边时，他眼里噙满了泪水，低声说：“你知道吗，当我被解雇时，你在那里支持我。当我的生意失败时，你在这里。当我被枪击时，你在我身边。当我们失去房子的时候，你留在这里。当我的健康开始恶化的时候，你还在我身边....你知道吗？
　　
　　“什么，宝贝？”她温和地问道。
　　
　　“我觉得你的运气不好。他妈的离开我。”

　　The CIA is interviewing three potential agents — two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

　　"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."
　　
　　"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.
　　The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."
　　
　　Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
　　
　　中央情报局面试三个潜在的特工-两名男子和一个女人。为了最终的测试，他们将一个男性候选人带到一扇门，递给他一支枪，面试官说： “在这个房间里，你会发现你的妻子坐在椅子上。杀了她。
　　
　　“你不是认真的，“那人说。 “我永远不会杀死我的妻子。“
　　
　　“那你不是这份工作的合适人选，”面试官说。
　　
　　第二名男子被给予了同样的指示。五分钟后，他含着眼泪出现：“我不能。”
　　
　　最后，那个女人被测试。她拿了枪，进入了房间。听见射击声，然后是尖叫声和敲打声。几分钟后，她走出来，擦着额头的汗水： “你没告诉我这把枪用的是空包弹，她说： “我必须用椅子打死他。”

　　“A man wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs, he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool of myself at the company party last night. Remind me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your boss."
　　"Well, piss on him," says the man.
　　"You did. He fired you," replies his wife.
　　"Well, screw him!" the man screams.
　　"I did," says his wife. "You're back to work on Monday."
　　
　　有一天早上一个男人从宿醉中醒来。他下楼，对他的妻子说：“亲爱的，我知道昨晚我在公司派对上出丑了。提醒我，我做了什么？
　　
　　“你和你的老板争论了。他解雇了你，”他的妻子回答。
　　
　　“X他！“该男子尖叫说。
　　
　　“我做了，”他的妻子说。 “周一你回去工作吧。”

　　An old farmer and his wife are lying in bed. He leans over one night, touches her breast, and says, "If this thing could still give milk, we could get rid of the cow." She reaches over and grabs his member. "And if this thing could still get hard," she says, "we could get rid of the dog."

　　一个老农民和他的妻子躺在床上。他触摸她的乳房，并说，“如果这个东西还能出牛奶，我们可以摆脱那头母牛了。“她伸手过去，抓住他的JJ说： “如果这个还可以硬，我们可以拜托那条狗了。”