Mama, I see you one more time

楼主:ernie 时间:2006-05-29 10:19:00 上海 点击:2093 回复:61
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Mama, I see you one more time
  ( draft )
  
  One day, at the home of a relative hundred miles away from my hometown , I was shown a photo in which I found my Mum, then a very young lady in the photo, together with the relative of ours. In reverence , I held the photo with both hands trembling and tears soon found their way down my cheeks. Mama, thank you so much, I am seeing you one more time !
  
  Mama, can it be real that your loves towards your children, towards the family , so rich , so profound , should have been so easily buried forever with you, in the place where you laid as a recluse? I doubt it . I won’t believe it. Now, I think I have found the very place the loves are accommodated. They seem to live in everything on earth. I believe that anywhere my mind is accessible, you will be available. Look! In a place hundred miles away and beyond the wildest imagination, now you really show yourself to me one more time!
  
  Ever since that day I saw my dearest Mum one more time in the photo, whenever I saw my close friends and relatives with at hand their photos , their own works , and their cherished collections of something, I would urge them to share some of these things with people close to them, which make them feel completely puzzled at me without any idea of the unspeakable pain I am suffering.
  
  
  
  
  
  Note: the above-pasted is a draft of what I am just trying to re-write in English based on one of my essays as attached hereto.The draft , no doubt, leaves much room to be desired and expects advice to improve and revise the English version. Many thanks in advance.
  
  妈妈,我多见了你一面
  
  那一天,在离开故乡千里之外的地方,在一位长辈远亲的家里,我意外地看到了一张妈妈年轻时候的照片,是当年和那位亲戚一起拍的。记得当时的我,恭敬而又肃穆地,用颤抖着的一双手,捧着这张照片,真是百感交集。妈妈,谢谢你,你让我多见了你一面!
    
  本来一直在纳闷,妈妈你对家庭、对儿女千钧万斛的爱,难道真的就这样,这样轻易地,跟随着你,埋入了你的藏休之地?我不信,我不肯相信。现在,我好像找到了它藏身的地方,它仿佛藏身在天地万物里。我的心之所在,我相信一定可以找到你。这不?千里之外,在想象不到的地方,又让我见了你一面!
    
  从此以后,对于我的至爱亲朋,看到他们的照片、著作、心爱的收藏品,等等。我都会极力地怂恿他们到处送人,让他们觉得我有点莫名其妙。而我,我说不出自己心里的凄酸。
    
  

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作者:fivelive_er 时间:2006-05-29 10:42:35 辽宁
  A moving article, ernie. I can feel your deep love for your mother. Parents' photoes taken while they are young indeed offer their children glimpses into their souls and spirits, which in turn kindle fonder feelings inside the children's heart toward them.
作者:zompire 时间:2006-05-29 11:09:53 香港
  the greatest love of all...
  a surprising and pleasant discovery...
  sharing with others might help you owning it longer and more...
作者:selooloo 时间:2006-05-29 11:35:32 安徽
  your mum should have the same feeling as you.
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-29 13:21:31 上海
  fivelive_er , Thank you very much for your kind appreciation of the passage. I am looking forward to your advice to the improvement of the English version.
  
  Zompire, We share with people sth cherished by us, only to find in this way we keep them the longest possible J
  
  selooloo, Thank you very much for your sympathy .
  
  
作者:yejudaisy 时间:2006-05-29 13:33:11 江西
  我觉着英文里感情表达得更细腻,而中文似有斧凿之痕。
  
  ——————
  自己中英文水平都很低,胡乱说几句,Ernie别打我板子。
作者:carnation916 时间:2006-05-29 14:05:09 广东
  怎么我更喜欢中文版的
  
  可能是我的英语鉴赏水平太低
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-29 14:36:01 上海
  Another passage seeeking for advice :
  
  
  Mum came to my rescue ( draft )
  
  It was when I was still a pupil in my primary school. One day at home, I suddenly found my pocket money for the month somehow disappeared. I was trying to look for the money everywhere , in vain and in despair, being on the verge of starting to cry when I heard Mum’s voice from her beddroom saying cheerfully: “ Oh, I found x dollar here, but who lost this?” “It’s me! It’s me! It must be me! ”I responsed in no time, and turned immediately into cheers. And all the family was happy. Of course I understand what I failed to understand as a naive boy when grown up. I lost the money but Mum didn’t blame me. Instead , her generous loving consideration came to my rescue in the way of a white lie. She might not know that this lesson of education on love did render to me straightly the essence and heritage of loving care.
  
  I told this story to the ones I love and to many other people as well. On my part, I believe I have learnt how to love others thus have the opportunities of loving my dear ones whole-heartedly, with the loving care far much greater than for my own self. As a result, I have experienced the sweetness of caring for others and enjoyed a kind of good luck that we will never be in pursuit of deliberately. People who have heard of this story may more or less affected , from which their dear ones as well asthey themselves might benfit. In this sense, the love towards me from my dearest Mum has been shared by lots of people even after her death and can be regarded as love beyond life .
  
  
  
  。。。那时我还在读小学。有一天,在家里。我忽然发现,一个月的零用钱找不到了。我到处无望地翻寻,惶急无计,差点就要哭出来。忽然听到母亲在房间里高兴地叫道:“啊,这里有一张x元钱,不知是谁丢的哪? ”我急忙应声:“我,我,一定是我!”然后马上破涕为笑。一家人都笑,笑得那么幸福。这件事情,小时不甚了了,长大以后,自然悟出了其中的真相。我丢了钱,母亲没有责怪。相反,她以对孩子无微不至的体贴,用宽厚的爱心巧妙地“救了局”。也许她不会想到,这一课“爱的教育”,让我直截了当地得到了“爱”的心传和薪传。我把这个故事讲给我爱的人听,也讲给其他许多人听过。而我自己,也学会了怎样去爱,从而能有机会倾心去爱自己所爱的人,并且爱之远胜于爱自己,体验到倾心爱别人的甜蜜,享受到一种人生不会自觉地去追求的福气。听过我这个故事的人们,相信也会或多或少地感受到了一种什么,从而造福于他/她所爱的人们,和自己。从这个角度说,母亲对我的爱,泽及了连我在内的不少人,应该可以说是“死而不已”的了。。。。
  
  
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-29 14:41:08 上海
  哎,自己的感觉,写英文传情达意的能力,比中文还差得老远.尽管曾经花费了那么多的心力学习英文:(
作者:seagulls 时间:2006-05-29 15:25:53 广东
  哎,真的很羡慕。可自己没这个细胞。
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-29 16:15:50 上海
  竭诚求教!
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-29 19:38:32 上海
  回忆N年前自己送上门去参加某种英语考试,考到《翻译》,试题只是两门:一篇英译中;一篇中译英。先看看中译英,是一篇短短的散文,白话的。也就没怎么当回事。先动手做那篇英译中,慢条斯理地,按照“信达雅”标准,力求译文完美些,这样就花掉了三分之二的时间。吐了口气,再来对付那篇中译英,仔细一看,却傻了眼,顿时冷汗淋漓。记忆中有一段,说是所谓的食堂,其实是一个有顶蓬的空地。碰到大风大雨,大家尽量远离那食堂的边缘,往中心挤在一起吃饭。即便如此,也还是挡不住吹进来的风雨。。。天!这是什么“边缘”啊?这是那顶蓬的“投影”,是“虚”的“边缘”。我至今也不知道该用哪个英文字表述最合适!当时的困窘和惶急,真不足为外人道。考试,却已经过去了三分之二的时间啊。。。
    
作者:yejudaisy 时间:2006-05-29 21:05:12 江西
  刚刚在书话读到了2004年的原文。
  我的眼睛湿漉漉的。怀念亲人朋友那种戚然的感觉。
  是我唐突冒昧了,本着阅读英语的心却没有更多地去体会其中的深情。
  Ernie ,对不起!
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-29 21:22:30 上海
  yejudaisy 太见外了,快不要这样,本来就是在这里请教英语文本,当然希望大家对文本斤斤计较。因为自己已经尽力,这个时候,有书友点拨一下,会很容易笑话吸收而且记得住。
  
  多谢你!
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-29 21:49:13 上海
  比如这个标题:“妈妈,我多见了你一面”,我实在不知道怎么用英语表达才能大致接近原文的意思。即便是目前这个 Mama, I see you one more time ,为了时态,我都踌躇了好久,在 Mama, I see you one more time 和 Mama, I am seeing you one more time 之间徘回。
作者:yejudaisy 时间:2006-05-29 23:18:49 江西
  即便是目前这个 Mama, I see you one more time ,为了时态,我都踌躇了好久,在 Mama, I see you one more time 和 Mama, I am seeing you one more time 之间徘回。
  __________
  我觉得还是现在的好。因为写作时的语气是象和妈妈说话一样,告诉妈妈我在哪儿又见着你了。
  
  在别人已定的东西里头予以肯定,总是容易解释为什么要如此的。若要自己写,倒是件难事:)
  
作者:蓝天大海森林 时间:2006-05-29 23:51:29 北京
  perfect!
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-30 13:37:55 上海
  多谢蓝天赞誉!
作者:838589 时间:2006-05-30 14:04:44 新西兰
  真的很不错,几句话就表达了对母亲的爱意。
  
  我喜欢中文版本。
作者:笔迹82 时间:2006-05-30 15:55:15 广东
  个人觉得题目可以翻译成MUM, IN SIGHT ONCE MORE。
  
作者:小逃犯2688 时间:2006-05-30 18:26:47 广东
  Sometimes I miss my mum, and so many mother love that I could not understand, as I grow up, suddenly I found that I was not suit for this world. Just want to look for a new way, for myself................
  And search for the answers together.
  
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-30 23:46:28 上海
  多谢 838589 。我期望英文版能比较接近中文版本(可惜自己感觉还差很多),竭诚求教。
作者:甘任远 时间:2006-05-31 01:14:28 美国
  <为了时态,我都踌躇了好久,在 Mama, I see you one more time 和 Mama, I am seeing you one more time 之间徘回。 >
  
  用一般现在时就再好不过。
  
作者:craigie 时间:2006-05-31 08:45:28 澳大利亚
  我觉得应该用i'm seeing you one more time. 一是文章中用了这句,另外表达当时的情境。
作者:0802103 时间:2006-05-31 10:08:41 福建
  The mothers around the world all love their children.
  so we should pay more time to care our mother.
  the love of mother is the greatest one in the world .
作者:花離魂 时间:2006-05-31 10:20:04 江苏
  I am deeply moved
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-31 10:56:20 上海
  多谢甘兄和craigie兄赐教,唉,我连一般过去时都考虑过。
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-31 19:45:05 上海
  自己又看一次,作些改正或改动:
  
   One day, at the home of a relative hundred miles away from my hometown , I was shown a photo in which I found my Mum, then a very young lady in the photo, together with the relative of ours.
  
  前面有了 in which, 后面的 in the photo 就是多余。
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-31 19:49:29 上海
  Mama, can it be real that your loves towards your children, towards the family , so rich , so profound , should have been so easily buried forever with you, in the place where you laid as a recluse?
  
  始终觉得这个easily 不对劲。拟修改为:
  
  Mama, can it be real that your loves towards your children, towards the family , so rich , so profound , should simply be buried with you, in the place where you laid as a recluse?
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-31 19:54:26 上海
  Ever since that day I saw my dearest Mum one more time in the photo, whenever I saw my close friends and relatives with at hand their photos , their own works , and their cherished collections of something, I would urge them to share some of these things with people close to them, which make them feel completely puzzled at me without any idea of the unspeakable pain I am suffering.
  
  有时态和语法错误,修改一下:
  
  whenever I saw my close friends ———————— whenever I see my close friends
  
  
  which make them feel completely puzzled at me ---------
  
  which makes them feel completely puzzled at me
作者:fivelive_er 时间:2006-05-31 20:43:59 辽宁
  Mr. Ernie, this is for your inference:
  
  那一天,在离开故乡千里之外的地方,在一位长辈远亲的家里,我意外地看到了一张妈妈年轻时候的照片,是当年和那位亲戚一起拍的。记得当时的我,恭敬而又肃穆地,用颤抖着的一双手,捧着这张照片,真是百感交集。妈妈,谢谢你,你让我多见了你一面!
  
  It was at an elderly relative’s home far away from my hometown, I came across one day an old picture featuring my mother in her prime together with the host. With respect and solemnness, I remembered, I held the picture with shaky hands, overwhelmed with emotions. Mother, do you know how I was grateful for being able to see you one more time?
  
作者:fivelive_er 时间:2006-05-31 20:58:06 辽宁
  本来一直在纳闷,妈妈你对家庭、对儿女千钧万斛的爱,难道真的就这样,这样轻易地,跟随着你,埋入了你的藏休之地?我不信,我不肯相信。现在,我好像找到了它藏身的地方,它仿佛藏身在天地万物里。我的心之所在,我相信一定可以找到你。这不?千里之外,在想象不到的地方,又让我见了你一面!
  
  I have been wondering how your boundless love for this family and your children would be all taken to your resting place. I do not, and don’t want to believe that would be the case. Now, I feel as if I have uncovered it from its hiding place. It is virtually everywhere. I’m certain I will be able to find you somewhere, some time. There and then, a great distance from home, at a seemingly impossible place, I encountered you once more.
  
楼主ernie 时间:2006-05-31 23:32:05 上海
  fivelive_er:
  
  many many thanx!!!
作者:甘任远 时间:2006-06-01 02:04:59 美国
  E 兄,你布置的作业, 我已经做了一遍,放在我在书话那个帖子里面, 请批改。 我自己是很不满意的。 还大有改进的余地。
作者:Fragreen 时间:2006-06-01 07:28:48 北京
  i understand. sometimes i wish i could have cut little pieces of their hair, so i could have something to hold in my hands when i think of them.
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-01 11:08:29 上海
  多谢甘兄,我过去下载了学习中。。。
作者:阿蓝迎风 时间:2006-06-01 11:32:19 上海
  ernie兄,今天在重读你这篇的时候,自己也帮你把“in the photo"给去掉啦。而且也觉得你的“simply”比“easily”更好。
  
  版主的version is appreciated very very much, 偶就再提提偶的意见。
  
  在中文里,第三段堪称全文的点睛之笔。尤其是结尾,嘎然而止,却又峰回路转般给人留下无穷回味。相比之下,英文的第三段则显得有点冗长。修改如下,供E兄参考:
  
  Ever since, whenever I see my close friends and relatives with at hand their photos , their own works , and their some cherished collections, I would urge them to share these with their intinates, which make them feel completely puzzled,yet without any idea of the unspeakable pain I am suffering.
  
  OR
  
  Ever since, I have often urged my close friends and relatives to share their photos, their own works, and some cherished collections with their intinates, which make them feel completely puzzled,yet without any idea of the unspeakable pain I am suffering.
  
  引玉之砖,还请各位方家雅正。
  
  
作者:selooloo 时间:2006-06-01 11:40:13 安徽
  God bless you,say a prayer for you and your mum.
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-01 14:12:59 上海
  先多谢 阿蓝 MM :)
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-01 20:11:09 上海
  fivelive_er 版主的version 真是及时雨,对症下药,字字珠玑。
  
  因为自己已经尽力,这个时候,有书友点拨一下,很容易消化吸收而且记得住。
作者:mydad 时间:2006-06-02 10:37:46 美国
  作者:fivelive_er 回复日期:2006-5-31 20:43:59 
    Mr. Ernie, this is for your inference:
    
      
    It was at an elderly relative’s home far away from my hometown, I came across one day an old picture featuring my mother in her prime together with the host.
  
  ____________________________________________________
  
  强调句的that呢?
作者:mydad 时间:2006-06-02 10:42:26 美国
  host指代不清
作者:mydad 时间:2006-06-02 10:43:53 美国
  With respect and solemnness, I remembered, I held the picture with shaky hands, overwhelmed with emotions.
  
  你这样的用逗号,这样排序,到底哪个是插入呢?
作者:mydad 时间:2006-06-02 10:45:52 美国
  one more time
  
  once more la
作者:mydad 时间:2006-06-02 10:47:36 美国
  轻易地 漏译
  
  用被动语态不如用主动语态好
作者:mydad 时间:2006-06-02 10:49:03 美国
  I do not, and don’t want to believe that would be the case.
  ——————————————————————————————
  
  该用逗号的时候反倒用不对了。
  
  believe that it would be the case la
作者:mydad 时间:2006-06-02 10:50:27 美国
  Now, I feel as if I have uncovered it from its hiding place.
  ____________________________________________________________
  
  
  又开始想当然,唉,it还是指代不清。
作者:mydad 时间:2006-06-02 10:55:39 美国
  。。。
  
  就这样的水准,还要到处指指点点。
  
  。。。
作者:838589 时间:2006-06-02 12:10:16 新西兰
  作者:ernie 回复日期:2006-5-30 23:46:28 
    多谢 838589 。我期望英文版能比较接近中文版本(可惜自己感觉还差很多),竭诚求教。
  
  --------------------------------------------------------------
  不用谢。中文是我们的母语,所以读起来亲切些,而不是说你英文翻的不好。
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-02 16:20:54 上海
  啊,就是因为英文翻的不好啊。
作者:terre 时间:2006-06-08 19:02:20 法国
   那一天,在离开故乡千里之外的地方,在一位长辈远亲的家里,我意外地看到了一张妈妈年轻时候的照片,是当年和那位亲戚一起拍的。记得当时的我,恭敬而又肃穆地,用颤抖着的一双手,捧着这张照片,真是百感交集。妈妈,谢谢你,你让我多见了你一面!
    I saw a picture of my mother in her youth one day. It was in a relative’s home, thousand miles away from my hometown. The picture was taken with the relative. In reverence, I held the picture in both of my trembling hands. Unspeakable complicated emotions surged up. Thank you, mama, thank you for letting me see you again.
  
    本来一直在纳闷,妈妈你对家庭、对儿女千钧万斛的爱,难道真的就这样,这样轻易地,跟随着你,埋入了你的藏休之地?我不信,我不肯相信。现在,我好像找到了它藏身的地方,它仿佛藏身在天地万物里。我的心之所在,我相信一定可以找到你。这不?千里之外,在想象不到的地方,又让我见了你一面!
    Mama, your love for the family and the children seemed to have been buried under the earth together with you. I couldn’t accept it for a long time. How could your affections, so profound, be brought away so easily? I couldn’t and didn’t want to believe it. But now, I’ve found your love again. It seems to be everywhere. I believe I could feel it wherever I am. Isn’t it true? I see you again, unexpectedly, here, in a place thousand miles away from our home.
  
    从此以后,对于我的至爱亲朋,看到他们的照片、著作、心爱的收藏品,等等。我都会极力地怂恿他们到处送人,让他们觉得我有点莫名其妙。而我,我说不出自己心里的凄酸。
  Ever since then, I often urged whenever I saw the pictures, publications, and cherished collections, etc, of my beloved family and friends, them to give the items away as gifts. They all couldn’t understand and I myself was not able to tell them the sadness that I had.
  
  Ernie,我昨天兴起,尝试翻译了你的头三段文字。说是翻译其实是改写。我的语言有点记日记流水账的味道用的全是小学生词汇,句式完全是不中不洋的杂交产品。没来得及推敲就贴上来,算是抛砖引玉了。
  terre
  
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-08 19:45:31 上海
  多谢terre MM :)
  
  请教:
  
  1. In reverence, I held the picture in both of my trembling hands. Unspeakable complicated emotions surged up.
  
  
  如果写成:
  
   In reverence, I held the picture in both of my trembling hands, unspeakable complicated emotions surging up.
  
  好不好?
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-08 20:01:04 上海
  Mama, your love for the family and the children seemed to have been buried under the earth together with you. I couldn’t accept it for a long time. How could your affections, so profound, be brought away so easily? I couldn’t and didn’t want to believe it. But now, I’ve found your love again. It seems to be everywhere. I believe I could feel it wherever I am. Isn’t it true? I see you again, unexpectedly, here, in a place thousand miles away from our home.
    ———————————————————————
  
  这一段最喜欢。商讨一下可否这样写:
  
  Mama, although your love for the family and the children seemed to have been buried under the earth together with you, still, for a long time, I couldn’t accept it . How could your affections, so profound, be brought away so easily? I couldn’t and didn’t want to believe it. But now, I’ve found your love again. It seems to be everywhere. I believe I could feel it wherever I am. Isn’t it true,Mama? I see you again, unexpectedly, here, in a place thousand miles away from our home.
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-08 20:17:13 上海
  Ever since then, I often urged whenever I saw the pictures, publications, and cherished collections, etc, of my beloved family and friends, them to give the items away as gifts. They all couldn’t understand and I myself was not able to tell them the sadness that I had.
   ————————————————————
  
  这样行不:
  
  Ever since then, whenever I saw the pictures, publications, and cherished collections, etc, of my beloved family and friends, I often urged them to give the items away as gifts. They simply couldn’t understand it as I myself was overwhelmed with silent, sadness that could never spoken out.
      
  
作者:525田甜 时间:2006-06-08 20:29:34 安徽
  Have mercy on you! God stands with you!
作者:terre 时间:2006-06-08 21:18:48 法国
  不好意思,最后一段被我昨晚上最后恶搞了一下,所以有点不通.
  我原本翻的是
  Ever since then, whenever I saw the pictures, publications, and cherished collections, etc, of my beloved family and friends, I often urged them to give the items away as gifts. They all couldn’t understand and I myself was not able to tell them the sadness that I had.
  
  ernie你的翻译我没时间仔细看.对不起.以后补课.
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-08 21:43:50 上海
  多谢 terre MM。有便再切磋哈:)
作者:zamon 时间:2006-06-08 22:31:05 广东
  I have been moved so deeply and had my mother in mind.
作者:cjbbm 时间:2006-06-09 19:51:03 山西
  ^_^
楼主ernie 时间:2006-06-09 22:38:12 上海
  作者:zamon 回复日期:2006-6-8 22:31:05 
  
    I have been moved so deeply and had my mother in mind.
  
   —————————————————————
  Thank you!
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