Chapter 1----about our love
Back from Thailand for about one month, I tried many times to write a journal about the trip this time, but too lazy to make it happen. It is difficult to think about those days with him while he is away and i am all on my own, because it will enhance my loneliness and make me feel like missing him more. Therefore, i am quite reluctent to write. It was one month passsed before i wrote something about the trip to Europe last year. At that time, some friends of mine always urged me write something to tell them the stories in Europe. Then i did. To my surprise, I wrote so much and it became a hot acticle in Tianya club where i started to meet lots of new friends, all of which was beyong my expectation. The more important thing is the detailed life with jos i wrote. Everytime when i re-read that eassy, I feel deeply in love. Life is hard. Now we have been each other‘s mate for one year and a half. I am waiting for the visa to be issued by Belgian government so that we could realize our dream and live together. Jos used to call me every night and i always listened carefully. I didn‘t feel like talking too much, but i was satisfied with listening. I told myself how lucky i was to have someone like him who loved me that much. He said "You don‘t need to talk, baby. We know we love each other. I feel like being with you just in this way."There is not much to complain in life when i have a bf like that. Last night, he told me on the phone that the cost of the trip to Thailand was around 6000 euros, which shocked me. It‘s much more than what i expected, 4000 euros. Afterwards, i felt guilty, after all, he was working very hard to pay the bill in Europe and alone. Then i quickly grabbed the cell and sent him two SMSes, telling him i was sorry and I hoped he didn‘t need to work that hard. I would be a nice bf. Because there is only one way connection between china and belgian telecom, i can‘t receive his SMS. I didn‘t know how he would feel after he got my messages, but i still felt bad.
My bf is kind of old (sorry, jos, if u r looking at this article ^*^). Last May, we celebrated his 57th birthday in wuhan with my classmates and friends. I still remember that one friend of mine mistook his age and we did have fun at that moment. To me, age is never a problem for love. Being in love has nothing to do with how old one person is, even if there would be more difficulties in the life, then let the love solve all the problems. One day, in the house in Brussels, we lied on sofa, chatting. I forgot the reason why we started to talk about age problem. I brusted into tears. I told him that I thought life was unfair. Even if we live together, there is not much time for us to persure our love. 20 years is not enough, 30 years is not enough, 40 years is not enough. We promised to be together forever, as what we often said to each other "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you". I was crying because i thought about the days when i ended up alone after jos left me. The feeling of leaving the one I loved most was killing me. I cried like a baby in his arms and it‘s the first time that i cried in Europe. I told him that maybe after 30 years, i would be alone again. I didn‘t wanna suffer from the pain of being left by my beloved one. I couldn‘t stand the truth to see him dying. He put me in his arms and asked me "How do you think that I would feel if you leave me frist? What if you have some accident one day and I am the one who has to see the beloved one leaving?" I was shocked. The self-pity feeling was completely gone. For the first of time, i truely understood the meaning of being old. I would never have any problem about age difference. Just like this, I wipped off my tears and started to be strong again, with my lover around me. As the old says goes, be happy when you can. cherish every moment and every second that you can have now. On his birthday, i planned a surprise party for him. I gave the key to the hotel room to my classmates and took jos out for shopping. After my classmate finished decorating the rooms, we went back. All the people there said Happy Birthday to him and he was surprised. Of course, he was happy. That day, I bought him 99 roses. I put the flower in the bath and it was romantic. After he went back to europe, he told me that his colleages and friends were very jealous coz his birthday sounds like the one in a movie. I laughed. Well, I think I will try my best to make him happy, forever and ever.
Lots of my friends are curious about the story between him and I. One guy in tianyaclub replied to my post and said i was the one who experienced "cyber love, cross continent love and gay love" at one time. I didn‘t think it‘s a bad review. When friends asked me about love, i felt hard to tell, coz love is something beyond words. It seems complicated, but it‘s simple at the same time. I can‘t explain how we fall in love, coz it‘s just a matter of feelings. It‘s the feeling that i feel secure and at east whenever i am with him. One day, he told me that he did something usual. He said he told his manager that he hoped to marry me. I knew he meant it. I won‘t hasite one moment to say "Yes, i do" when he is porposing to me. I met Jos in Sept, 2003. I was killing time in a chat room then he said hi to me. We started to talk about chinese culture and history. I asked him whether he knew Confucious. He said "of course I know", that‘s how we met. When he said he loved me for the first time, i was deeply touched. He went like this when he asked for my telephone number for the first time. "I think it‘s the time for me to ask for your numer. We should talk on the phone. Is that ok?" sounded like a totally gentleman. Later on, he told me that we would meet in reality. I asked whether it‘s ture. he replied "sure, it‘s true." Then he bought the flight tickets from paris to shanghai. That‘s how we met, half a year after we met. He came to china just for me! When we first met each other at the airport, we kissed, but it was a quick kiss. At the exit of the airport, we kissed again. it was a long one. I felt happy and natural, in front of everyone in that cold day. Then we went on traveling together, he went back to my family and met my parents. After he went back to europe, we knew we loved each other more than we had known. There is one faith that we believe---love. Because of that, there is nothing that we are afraid of. As time passed by, I visited europe and we went to thailand together. When we are separated, we tell each other that "I am always with you like always. I love you." These days, i have been listening to the song by Serge, <Je t‘aime. Moi non plus>. I told him "Je t‘aime" on the phone. He said "Moi aussi". Then I corrected him by saying "Moi non plus". That‘s our life...
As a matter fact, my bf has a tough life. He used to like reading and art a lot. He once hosted an exhibition of diamands which was very hot at that time. Tiffiny once asked him to design for them, but he refused. I asked him why. He said he didn‘t trust each other and there was no one around him to make him confident. Of course, I knew what he meant by his words. I felt very happy. Later on, my bf got very sick and spent 20 years in hospital which was a nightmare. Maybe that‘s how people get to know what love is after he has been through that much. Jos said the first thing he did after he got well was buying lots of expensive stuff for himself. I could completely understand. I once was joking at him that we could make a good book from his life experience and it would be a best seller. He asked me whether it meant we would be rich. Now, my bf has a normal life. the only difference is he has me now. Many times, i feel that i couldn‘t say "i love you" anymore. All i want is to feel the love with my heart and soul. Yes, i am greedy. We always dream about our life together and we are both confident, which is very precious. Now we are preparing for it, waiting for the visa. I will fly across the ocean to be at his side. Many friends have asked me whether it‘s worthy to give up everything in China, give up the opportunity to study postgraduate programmes and give up working as a teacher for love. plus i have to spend lots of energy to learn the new language and adapt myself to a new environment. I told them it‘s not the matter of being worthy or not. It should be like this when you love someone. You are willing to give up anything to be with him. This is how my love is for my lover---jos.